To someone I wish would forgive me .. ?

I feel like I should be more inventive and not always just follow the guide for these. Again I struggle to think who I could write this to. Whilst I won't say I'm perfect and have never wronged anyone, there is also noone I feel I need to seek forgiveness from. Mostly because anyone who I feel I have wronged I have already apologised to, and all have forgiven me. So I don't know what to write.

And I have no more thoughts on what to say. I'm still working on ideas for this blog, and also possibly my own business which I have been considering for a while. So, to make up for the lack of a post, maybe I can find a cat or something....

Bella

 Harvey

Not really a letter this one

So, my daily typing hasn't been going as well as I would like. Part of this is due to work and general busy-ness, part is due to visiting family last weekend, and part is down to the fact I have no inspiration for this letter.

Actually, in retrospect, a few of my letters have really stretched the definition. This one is supposed to be to someone who really hurt me. But I don't really have much to say on that front. Not that I haven't been hurt over the years. From being lied to, being bullied and just feeling betrayed, I've been hurt. My confidence isn't high and I do have trust issues. But at the same time it's been one of those more gradual things, and to the people who hurt me I don't really have much to say. Many are no longer part of my life. Those that are have been forgiven. Perhaps it's not quite forgotten but I understand. So there's nothing to say there either.

So, what to write about? I've been trying to decide on the future of this blog still. I could try and do an informative blog, maybe about Animal Behaviour as that's my speciality, or perhaps I could do something like a comic strip. I'm not much of a draw-er at the moment, but I do have stories I would love to put in comic form. Or perhaps I could just write short stories or similar. I don't know at the moment.

If I were to go down the comic/blog type route, I would probably start at least with something along the lines of a long suffering customer service assistant and the sort of things they have to suffer through a shift and else where. At the same time I enjoy writing fantasy and haven't done anything like that for a little while. I should really get in the habit of doing something. But I might make a fresh blog for something like that. I could change this into a diet blog. Try and get myself fit and losing weight. I really do need a kick up the backside to get me going. So, I've got a few things to think about.

xx

To a deceased person

Whilst there are a few people in my life I have lost over the years, mostly relatives but also some friends, when this came up I immediately thought of one person. My Granny. She was the first person I was old enough to remember losing, and I remember the funeral (if a little vaguely). And yet, I also feel I was never old enough to really understand or say a proper goodbye.

What I do remember about my Granny is love. I know I loved her, and her death put me in shock for weeks, until I finally found myself able to grieve. I was maybe 10 years old (give or take a year). What I remember about being told is this, we had just gotten back from a holiday in Jersey of the ferry. I'd had a really good time, except on the way home I'd lost my crucifix necklace. I'd been off crutches for the last week of the holiday. When we got home, Dad made the normal call to Granny and Grandad (I believe, it may have been to my Aunt, or they may have called before my dad could call them.). And that's when he found out. He gathered us in the front room and told us. He broke down as he did, and gathered us all for a hug. It is the first time I recall seeing my dad break like that. I think that added to the numbness of the situation. And maybe it was because we aren't a big family for comforting gestures like hugging that I found the entire thing more awkward and uncomfortable than upsetting. I didn't cry for a few weeks, when one night I know I was lying in bed and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Granny was gone.

Granny, I remember you used to knit little things for all of us, and I believe we have Snow White somewhere, whilst others inherited the dwarfs. I think mum still has the snowman and santa decorations you made for our tree as well. And whilst it is cluttered, your sewing table is being put to good use. Thank you as well for the ring. Even though without alteration it would never fit me, it's a lovely family heirloom, and if I never have children of my own I will instead pass it on to my niece or nephew. There are so many tokens left by you in my life still. Often little things. And I know you will always be important in our family. You are gone, but you are never forgotten.

I hope you are proud of us. It always felt important, that you would be watching over us and smiling, proud of what we have achieved. We might still have some way to go, but I still imagine your guiding hand, helping me when I need it most.

I know now that none of it was my fault, when as a youngster I would think I had done something bad to cause you to go. But that's not how these things work. It was your time for peace, after all you had been through. Even during the cancer I remember you smiling, putting on a brave face for all your grandchildren.

You would love my niece and nephew, and I know you would have spoilt them rotten. Although they know Eileen as great-Granny at the moment, I am sure you understand. They are still little and it would make no sense to them. As it is Eileen treats them like her own great-grandchildren, and I am sure you would have it no other way. When they get older, we will explain. Mum and Dad still have the photo of you that I remember treasuring and dusting. I always got a little obsessed with it, wanting to make sure you were always remembered. I know now that they don't need physical objects to still feel your presence. But it was how I coped.

So, to a woman who I remember helping in the kitchen, who had a fluffy dog nightie case myself and my cousins would occasionally capture, and I never remember saying a negative thing in my presence. Thank you.

To someone I wish I spoke to more often...

Okay, first, have to say love the fact that thus far my rather boring blog managed to get most views when I put up a picture of Pincklepurr, my old kitty cat. So, well done internet for being yourself >^_^<

Now to my letter. There are a few people this could be. And infact, maybe I'll make this vague because it will be to many of you. In more recent years I suppose we have all become slowly less available as our adult lives take hold. Whether it's our work or our families, we are busier than we ever thought and so things have fallen by the wayside. But that doesn't mean I believe any of those friendships are lost. Just that, perhaps, we will have a lot to talk about the next time we chat.

The 'failings' are on both sides, don't get me wrong. I am busy and lazy all at once. I have gifts and cards piling up to be sent out to so many people. Those who are at least in the same country I will try and meet up with when I can, and those within Europe I should make more of an effort to visit. But things are never that easy sadly.

I don't have a great deal more to say. Other than this. If you ever want to chat just message me, and I will get back to you when I can. If you don't hear from me, it's probably that I was afk when I got your message and I suck at remembering to respond when I've read it on my mobile, so re-poke me if you want! Those closest to my heart will always be welcome.

Your friend (forever, wanted or not!)

Rebecca/Rebel/Rebal/Twinny/etc

Also, another pet picture. Because, why not?

Pumpkin the Gerbil

To someone I would like to meet

So, I've been wrestling with this letter for sometime now. And honestly I still don't know what to say. Mostly because I don't really have someone for this letter. My feelings are it's meant to be aimed at someone famous in some way, past or present. But I can't think of anyone who I would specifically want to meet.

I've never really been the sort of person who aspires to be someone else, who has popular role models. I had things I was a fan of, but for the group of people I knew they were always the lesser famous shows/bands/etc at the time at least.

So, this is a little more of a filler post, just to say I've not forgotten this letter business, but I just have nothing for this post. So I can't say much. Meanwhile I am trying to think of things to make this more interesting. I am considering going back down the road of 'the life of a customer service assistant'... because I can't help but think people might sympathise and relate to some of the situations.

So, for now, have a picture of my old departed kitty:

My favourite Internet Friend.

I will say, that I consider this friend as close as my best friend, and it is only because this was a second option that I chose to write these to whom I have. I have met this person in real life, and I am so glad I have.

You mean so much to me, and I'm sure you know that. Although our talks are few and far between now, that doesn't mean I think of you often and look forward to when I might be able to see you all once more. I miss you, but we are grown now with our own lives. And I don't know about you but I'm starting to feel old!!

Despite living so far apart, our lives seem similar in some ways. Our lives aren't that similar but at the same time I know we have felt similar feelings in the past, and suffer some similar problems. I know I can always turn to you to rant and rave, and I know you will always *help* with my problems. How is that saying? A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sat next to you in the cell! That's you all over. You are protective to those you love, and with just the amount of insanity and sensibleness that I can appreciate.

We, my dear, are the perfection of random. Which in it's self makes no sense but perfect sense all at the same time. Not that we're beyond stealing other people's ideas to a degree.

So, thank you for being there. For being a steady rock, a crazy friend, and what I have needed so many times. I hope one day to see you again. And yes, there will be bubbles.

xxx

To my Ex....?

So, I've kinda accidentally avoided this one. Not because of painful memories. But, to be blunt, I don't know who to write this to.

My current partner is really also my first real relationship. Which after 8 years feels a little odd to say. But previous to him... well, I had a couple of online relationships (not that I'm dissing them, my partner and I met and maintained our relationship online for a long while). But neither of them, in retrospect, were real relationships. One was with a man much older than I, who I felt a non-physical attraction to. He didn't exactly break my heart, as I sort of split with him after growing apart, and afterwards discovered he couldn't have been that in to me considering less than a month later he was engaged to a younger prettier model. I was more annoyed than hurt. I had just started University and if he had wanted clear of me then I wish he had done it earlier so I could have been a little more adventurous for my freshers week (even if, knowing me, it would have led to nothing).

The other did break my heart at the time, in a way. It is complicated to explain. At the time I was very lonely and stressed. It was during the University holidays and what I didn't know at the time was that I was battling with depression. I was visiting role play forums at the time, and got chatting to this woman. She was married to an abusive and neglectful husband. Over about a month I got really close to them, until they had to go away suddenly because of her partner. On her return I learned the truth. She was a he. Just someone who was role playing and realised too late that I wasn't. I was hurt yes. But I wasn't angry. I could see the confusion. And whilst I wish they had told me sooner, as they explained I understood. They were in a loving relationship with their wife, and had been just having some fun, assuming I was doing the same until I suggested swapping photos. Then he started to realise I wasn't role playing. This was a little like a holiday romance. And by the time I went to University once more the drama had ended and the tears had dried. It was almost more like a childish crush.

Previous to any of those, the only other boyfriend I could maybe lay claim to was when I was about 6 years old. And whilst in later years I missed many of my childhood friends due to the problems I was going through, that was more of a dream than anything else.

So really, I have no one to write to other than whomever chooses to read this gibberish. I don't feel anything has been left unsaid to anyone in regards to my past love life. And if any of them read this and if anyone considers them part of my love life but don't recognise themselves in this, well, I am sorry. But at the same time I hope you are happy and loved.

xxx

To a stranger

This feels like one of the oddest letters to try and write, To write to a stranger, that is the only information I am given. So, what do I say?

I don't feel this should be written to someone I actually know of, whether a celebrity or someone who works in a local shop. Instead, I feel like it should be someone I don't know at all, as if someone has just picked this up in the street. So perhaps then, if I do not know them, and they do not know me, I should start by introducing myself.

My name is Rebecca, with the powers of the internet I suspect more could be found out about me just with this and the information that follows, but still, I won't give my full name. Besides, that seems too formal. Although I go by Rebecca and generally put off people shorting my name, two people have gotten away with giving me nicknames - Rebel and Rebecikins. Or something to that affect. And no, it's not my longterm bf that dares call me that but a friend far enough away to escape my wrath. Most of the time at least.

I live on the south coast of England, and have done for the majority of my life, the only exception being my University years. Whilst like a typical Englishman I moan about the weather and all the woes of England, I do like it. I live in a town which whilst urban, is close enough to the rural life that I feel I can catch my breath. I love nature, and the beauty of England doesn't escape me.

I don't drive, despite being in my 30's. I also don't own my own property, and at the moment at least live rent free. I can't help but feel spoilt and cared for, and I know I've let myself get some bad habits because of it. I want my own home in the future, but it's harder than it seems.

I live in debt despite this. A mixture of leaving Uni with some debt and just out of control spending has put me in this situation. Whilst I'm not well paid, my lack of expenditures should have made it possible for me to do better than I have. At the same time, many many people are in worst debt than myself, and mine is currently under control and I am fighting my own urges so I can improve.

Although I live in pain, I know many who suffer worse than I do. At the moment I am waiting for a lump removal from my shoulder, and carpal tunnel operations on both wrists. My fingers constantly ache and feel stiff at times, and I'm not fully convinced it's just carpal tunnel. But at the moment it's wait and see. I have a habitual cough which sounds a little like a smokers cough, although it's a habit I have never picked up. Instead my throat has been damaged by years of chest and throat infections. It bugs me, especially in the winter, but over the years I've kind of gotten used to it.

I suffer from acute stress and depression as well. Unfortunately there is a lack of mental health care in my area for my level of depression, so I tend to live on tablets. I wish I didn't, and I have had counselling in the past but found neither really helped. Whilst I don't want to be on tablets for ever, at the moment I'm at a loss as to what to do. Thankfully my partner is very supportive, even during my worst mood swings.

I could talk so much about myself. But my hands won't allow me to type forever. However, I want to say this. I know I am lucky, even if I struggle to see it sometimes. I have a roof over my head, family and friends who love me, and three meals a day. There are a lot of people far worse off than me. But there is always hope. I hope you, like myself, are privileged. If not, I hope you can find the help and support you need. Some people find it in faith or religion, some in their loved ones. However you find your hope and light, don't let people dissuade you from it.

May your feet always find fertile lands, and your heart always find love.

Rebecca, a stranger. xxx

About my dreams

Now this, this I don't know where to start. Sometimes my dreams are hyper realistic, and I can struggle to tell the difference between dreams and reality. Even now I wonder if something that happened years ago was really a dream. I always dream in colour, but in my dreams I can be so many different people. Sometimes even within my dreams I am aware that it is only a dream. Some of my dreams are very surreal. Some are horrific, some are cute. A worrying amount are about work! And I have decided to interpret this letter as about my sleep dreams, not dreams of the future.

One theme my dreams often had, especially when I was younger, was about drowning. I remember I never used to panic when I drowned. I love swimming, and am pretty good at it. Often, the reason behind my drowning would be in saving someone else from some freak weather event. Like, I could make it on my own, but I would prefer to help the other survive. One of my last drowning dreams, I actually watched what happened beyond my death, people taking me to hospital, and watching counselling sessions for those involved in the event. These dreams often felt realistic, but around the point of the drowning I would become very self aware.Normally I would wake up just as I finished drowning.

My most realistic dreams are about work. Whilst not all my work dreams are realistic and are easy to tell from reality, others I definitely have to double check myself on. Some have stressful events happen, but many are merely a very normal, boring day.

In comparison, dreams I find easy to interpret are sometimes a lot more random. From a weird wedding dream I had once, which I can't recall the details but I do remember not being a typical white wedding. Or dreaming all my teeth fall out... which was whilst I was trying to find a dentist!

I know I have a good imagination and creativity level, and all I can assume is that my dreams are part of that. I have dreamt about protecting those I love, of a cat who I lost years ago, and of flying. My dreams can be dark, light or just boring. Maybe after all this is done I will start this as a dream blog. We'll see.

To my sister

For this letter, I was requested to write to my sibling or closest family letter... and that didn't make it easy. After all, you are one of two sisters I have, and whilst this letter may seem vague enough to be either of you, at the same time I want to be deliberate in how I write this. And yet, to the both of you I could think of some things to say, but not a great deal perhaps.

Us three sisters have never been terribly close (which is also why I considered using a close family member as an option, but that seemed like a cop out and caused more problems than it solved). Thinking about it, in all honesty I don't feel amazingly close to any of my family, except for my gorgeous niece and nephew. I think I've always been closer to my friends. And I think that is also how our family dynamic works. We rarely confided in each other, certainly we have done things to upset and annoy each other, and even simple tasks couldn't be done as teamwork. But, that doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't care when someone hurts you or upsets you. I would defend you with my life, although if you were in the wrong I would also point that out to you. Noone abuses my sisters. Except perhaps me. And that pretty much sums up our relationship I think.

But there is one thing I want you to know. I am proud of you. Yes, you've made mistakes. And sometimes you don't seem to learn from them and I want to hit you around the head. But at the same time I know you are trying your hardest. And I know it's hard. Especially sometimes with mum and dad it can feel like they have expectations of us, or want to dictate our lives. But that's not really the case. It's just how they express their concern and worry of us. And I know it's upsetting when they shout and yell at you, and I know mum is especially prone to this, but it's only how she expresses her disappointment and worry, especially with everything going on.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Whether it's from me or others. Your family do love you, even if we're not the best at showing it. You have friends who care. And beyond that there are various groups who can help as well. Support is so important but humans are such independent creatures we sometimes think asking for help is a show of weakness. But it's not. Someone else will have been through the same as you, they can offer experience and guidance. Or if nothing else they can offer someone to vent at.

I'm older, and I know sometimes I act wiser, but I'm not. Maybe in some things I have more experience, and I know as children I may have shadowed over you, it is the unfortunate thing of having an older sibling. But as we got older, our experiences differed. You know more about something than I do, and whilst I want to help, sometimes I am out of my depth. But I will always do all I can for you.

I hope you don't think I tell our parents everything we talk about. I worry about you, so yes, sometimes I will tell them in order that they can support you better. But I use my judgement and I will either not tell them if I feel it's up to you or that they don't need to know, or I will word it carefully. And if you ever asked me not to tell them I wouldn't, but I would advise against secrets. I know you know you have some hard habits to break, and I know you are trying hard. I know you are in a difficult position, with a lot of people to try and please. But be honest. Although it feels like these people might try and trap you, if you lie and they find out, it is a lot worse in the long run. You have worked and tried hard to get where you are. Don't ruin it now with those bad habits. Be honest and ask if you ever need help.

I know I am far away in some regards now, and I know I can't be the first point of call in emergencies. But remember, I will always be here if you need me. I will never abandon you. And, dearest sister, as soppy as it is, I will always love you.

Your big sister. xxx

Dear Mum and Dad....

So, I knew when I read the list of people that I was to write letters to, this would be the hardest. Firstly, unlike some of the other posts, it's much more difficult to disguise who I am writing this to, and there are people on my account who know me and my family. So that left me thinking, what should this letter be then? All the others are an expression of myself. And I think that is the idea. But see, that is where things get difficult.

Mum and Dad. When I think about you, my feelings are very mixed and confused. You are my parents, and for any child that is enough to spark feelings of love and idealism. These are the people who raise and protect you, who feed you and teach you. Maybe it's why as teenagers we start to rebel even more so, as we come to realise that the gods of our lives are human and make mistakes. That they can be hurt just like we can. And yet, as we begin to recognise them as human, we are still children and not treated as equals. Which is right, but in the mind of a teenager is 'unfair'. But now I'm not a child. I'm not a teenager. I'm in my 30's, and whilst I can not let claim to be 100% interdependent as a person, I have moved out and earn my wages. I have learnt more of the world. I see you now as human and equal. And I know you do the same for me. But at the same time, it can be hard to forget those feelings in the past where things didn't seem right. And it may be clouded judgement, it may be the times when I was younger, but whatever it was it has contributed, for better and for worst, to who I am today.

So much is out of our control as children, I will admit I blamed you for us moving house when I was 9. Maybe it was the age difference, but I still feel I took it harder than my sisters, but I don't know that for sure. What I do know is that I built up a real hatred for the place we moved to. Some of this may have been my own attitude, not wanting to be there and so forth. But it didn't help that children can be surprisingly cruel to each other, and to new students. Yes, I created a couple of close friends, but that never stopped the bullying. I still remember your advice at the time when I mentioned it once was to ignore it and it would go away. I never asked for help again in regards to bullying, but it never stopped, not until I left school. Didn't it strike you as odd that I had no real social life? Maybe it looked like I did, I may have even pretended to go out with friends when I went to the park. I can't remember. Apart from Church related stuff, I only went to that one club briefly, and that mostly stopped because I felt uncomfortable and sometimes even unsafe there.

At one point, I remember you querying why I stopped visiting a neighbour's house, and their daughter of a similar age. Well, apart from the fact she would try and persuade me to do things such as set a fire in our garden (which I point blanked refused to do), the true breaking point was when she called my sisters (who would have been 8 and 5 at the time if I remember correctly) bitches. I might have only been 10, I might have had moments of true hatred towards my sisters, but NOONE called them something like that in my hearing and got away with it. We were in their back garden at the time, and I remember taking both of my sisters straight back home. After that, our neighbour's daughter made my life a living hell in middle school, and was the ring leader of the bullies. Thankfully by the time we hit upper school the group disintegrated, and with it her influence. Not that the bullying stopped, it now came in a different direction. But at the same time, whilst not friends, I discovered some people who had enough school influence that people wouldn't try anything in their presence. Mostly because I was one of the few girls in my year who liked and could play football.

I know I kept the bullying hidden, and perhaps I shouldn't. But I always felt my troubles were brushed aside, or at least they were a lot of the time. I don't mean it was deliberate, but even now I am very sensitive to the slightest suggestion that my problems are nothing. Even comments I am sure, in retrospect, you meant as supportive, felt dismissive. At university, I know my last year exam for one subject had gone poorly. To the point I was certain I had failed it. Your response? "It'll be fine, you always are". And yes, I admit, I did somehow scrape a pass. I have always had a knack for that. But at the time it felt unhelpful, and made me feel that if I failed I would be a disappointment as I hadn't failed you yet. Don't misunderstand me, you have been extremely supportive to me over the years, I am merely trying to explain my feelings on what happened. I know you never had bad intentions for me, and I know (now) that it wouldn't have mattered, you would have supported me regardless. But at the time it just didn't help my worries.

Even as an adult, it can be hard to accept the faults of our parents. I think as we get older, we want to imagine them as perfect still, even though we know it's not true. And trust me, you guys wind me up sometimes. But it's always silly things. And I'm sure it's the same with me. That's why I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate or love you. I do, very much. I think I've always had a streak of independence that made me want to break free, and I feel when I am away from the family our relationship improves, I think we just clash enough to make things sometimes a little too difficult.But that's not uncommon and I know people who have much worse relationships with their parents. I consider myself extremely lucky in many ways. But, when I thought 'what do I want to tell them' it was the bullying that came to mind, because I've never really talked about it with you. And even here I haven't gone into any details. I just wanted to say.. it happened. My counselling helped a bit, and I have others who I find easier to discuss things with who help me vent when things get too much.

To two people who are people, Parents but flawed like all of us, but very loving. Lastly I want to say thank you. Without you I wouldn't be me, flaws and all. And if I ever don't seem grateful, it's not true, it's just a little bit of teenager still rebelling over how life is unfair.

To my 'crush'

When asked to write a letter to my crush, this threw me a little. I have always considered a crush to be romantic feelings towards someone who is either unobtainable or uninterested. But through some miracle, you are neither. And by now, calling you my crush seems like an understatement of my feelings for you and our relationship.

You have been my partner for 8 years in a couple of weeks. Some times it feels so much less, and yet it is hard to recall how I was before you came into my life. Like any healthy relationship we've had our ups and downs, our tough times. But we're still here, and my love for you has only grown. We still have our silly giggly moments, and yet I feel perhaps more than my love, my respect and admiration for you has grown. Despite hardships you try your best, and whilst it is easy to run away and give up, you are generally stubborn and won't give up. Which has it's upsides, such as when I am also being stubborn for the wrong reasons, but also it's downsides when you just don't want to do something you really should (dentist/doctors comes to mind).

I'm sure I wind you up sometimes, and I know I say the wrong thing sometimes. I don't always consider that my words might be hurtful, because I consider it more a perhaps poor joke. Although at times you manage to enact your revenge though. And whilst you are the heat for my cold feet, those fingers of yours can be surprisingly icy too! And in that way I feel we compliment each other, both striving to help the other better themselves. Our interests don't always match, but that merely means we can have some freedom in our relationship.

I can't express truly how much you mean to me, and how happy you make me, even if it isn't always obvious. I know I sometimes cry and scream, and I know this upsets you. But whilst it might be something you did that set me off, it is merely the straw breaking this camel's back. And at the end of it, you are always the one to help me unload and help manage the seemingly impossible loads which bare upon me. And I can never thank you enough.

So, my dearest love, thank you. Thank you for wiping away my tears, for carrying my loads when my hands are bad, for hugging away my fears and for just being you. Flaws and all, I will love you forever and look forward to a future which is all ours. xxxxx

To my best friend

I'm not sure if you consider me your best friend, in truth I'm not sure if anyone does. I don't consider that a bad thing, as I have a lot of friends I consider myself close to, but if I was asked to describe my best friend, it would be you. You have inspired me to better myself, whilst still we are still equals on every level. You make an effort for me, and I try in the same for you. I always look forward to meeting up with you, and you are one of the people I feel the most comfortable with, whether it's talking about work, our health or just what films we've seen lately. Meeting up with you is one of the major highlights in my life, and I never regret making the effort to see you. I only hope in the future perhaps we will be able to see each other more regularly

We have been through a lot, you and I, and yet I've always felt I can tell you anything, and I hope you feel the same. You never judge me, and whilst you might recognise my failings, you never make it seem like I have failed, but instead you help me back on my feet and on my path once more. We share a lot of similarities, and maybe that helps. In all honesty, I think you are one of the few people I can't recall ever having a disagreement with. So, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for being you, and for being my friend. You mean the world to me, and I can only hope that you know that, even if you never see this letter.

Lots of Love, your friend,

Rebecca