So, I knew when I read the list of people that I was to write letters to, this would be the hardest. Firstly, unlike some of the other posts, it's much more difficult to disguise who I am writing this to, and there are people on my account who know me and my family. So that left me thinking, what should this letter be then? All the others are an expression of myself. And I think that is the idea. But see, that is where things get difficult.
Mum and Dad. When I think about you, my feelings are very mixed and confused. You are my parents, and for any child that is enough to spark feelings of love and idealism. These are the people who raise and protect you, who feed you and teach you. Maybe it's why as teenagers we start to rebel even more so, as we come to realise that the gods of our lives are human and make mistakes. That they can be hurt just like we can. And yet, as we begin to recognise them as human, we are still children and not treated as equals. Which is right, but in the mind of a teenager is 'unfair'. But now I'm not a child. I'm not a teenager. I'm in my 30's, and whilst I can not let claim to be 100% interdependent as a person, I have moved out and earn my wages. I have learnt more of the world. I see you now as human and equal. And I know you do the same for me. But at the same time, it can be hard to forget those feelings in the past where things didn't seem right. And it may be clouded judgement, it may be the times when I was younger, but whatever it was it has contributed, for better and for worst, to who I am today.
So much is out of our control as children, I will admit I blamed you for us moving house when I was 9. Maybe it was the age difference, but I still feel I took it harder than my sisters, but I don't know that for sure. What I do know is that I built up a real hatred for the place we moved to. Some of this may have been my own attitude, not wanting to be there and so forth. But it didn't help that children can be surprisingly cruel to each other, and to new students. Yes, I created a couple of close friends, but that never stopped the bullying. I still remember your advice at the time when I mentioned it once was to ignore it and it would go away. I never asked for help again in regards to bullying, but it never stopped, not until I left school. Didn't it strike you as odd that I had no real social life? Maybe it looked like I did, I may have even pretended to go out with friends when I went to the park. I can't remember. Apart from Church related stuff, I only went to that one club briefly, and that mostly stopped because I felt uncomfortable and sometimes even unsafe there.
At one point, I remember you querying why I stopped visiting a neighbour's house, and their daughter of a similar age. Well, apart from the fact she would try and persuade me to do things such as set a fire in our garden (which I point blanked refused to do), the true breaking point was when she called my sisters (who would have been 8 and 5 at the time if I remember correctly) bitches. I might have only been 10, I might have had moments of true hatred towards my sisters, but NOONE called them something like that in my hearing and got away with it. We were in their back garden at the time, and I remember taking both of my sisters straight back home. After that, our neighbour's daughter made my life a living hell in middle school, and was the ring leader of the bullies. Thankfully by the time we hit upper school the group disintegrated, and with it her influence. Not that the bullying stopped, it now came in a different direction. But at the same time, whilst not friends, I discovered some people who had enough school influence that people wouldn't try anything in their presence. Mostly because I was one of the few girls in my year who liked and could play football.
I know I kept the bullying hidden, and perhaps I shouldn't. But I always felt my troubles were brushed aside, or at least they were a lot of the time. I don't mean it was deliberate, but even now I am very sensitive to the slightest suggestion that my problems are nothing. Even comments I am sure, in retrospect, you meant as supportive, felt dismissive. At university, I know my last year exam for one subject had gone poorly. To the point I was certain I had failed it. Your response? "It'll be fine, you always are". And yes, I admit, I did somehow scrape a pass. I have always had a knack for that. But at the time it felt unhelpful, and made me feel that if I failed I would be a disappointment as I hadn't failed you yet. Don't misunderstand me, you have been extremely supportive to me over the years, I am merely trying to explain my feelings on what happened. I know you never had bad intentions for me, and I know (now) that it wouldn't have mattered, you would have supported me regardless. But at the time it just didn't help my worries.
Even as an adult, it can be hard to accept the faults of our parents. I think as we get older, we want to imagine them as perfect still, even though we know it's not true. And trust me, you guys wind me up sometimes. But it's always silly things. And I'm sure it's the same with me. That's why I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate or love you. I do, very much. I think I've always had a streak of independence that made me want to break free, and I feel when I am away from the family our relationship improves, I think we just clash enough to make things sometimes a little too difficult.But that's not uncommon and I know people who have much worse relationships with their parents. I consider myself extremely lucky in many ways. But, when I thought 'what do I want to tell them' it was the bullying that came to mind, because I've never really talked about it with you. And even here I haven't gone into any details. I just wanted to say.. it happened. My counselling helped a bit, and I have others who I find easier to discuss things with who help me vent when things get too much.
To two people who are people, Parents but flawed like all of us, but very loving. Lastly I want to say thank you. Without you I wouldn't be me, flaws and all. And if I ever don't seem grateful, it's not true, it's just a little bit of teenager still rebelling over how life is unfair.
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